Not Hearts v Celtic

Things you might not hear at Tynecastle this afternoon...

I love coming to Tynecastle. I have such a high regard for Hearts as a club and its supporters - Neil Lennon.

I thought the referee was immense today, he didn't put a foot wrong. He's a credit to his profession - Neil Lennon.

Right, John Sutton - you'll be the target man with Stephen Elliot and I want you, David Templeton and you, Arvydas Novikovas to stretch the Celtic defence down the wings - Paulo Sergio.

And Ian Black pulled out of that 50-50 challenge at the last minute - Sky Sports commentator.

David Obua beat four Celtic defenders before superbly lobbing the keeper for his hat-trick and Hearts fourth goal of the afternoon - Sky Sports commentator.

I'm going to run and run for 90 minutes until my lungs burst - Rudi Skacel.

I feel a bit of a twinge in my hamstring but, hey, it's nothing I won't be able to run off and I'll be fine - Andy Webster.

Okay, lads, I'm expecting a quiet afternoon with no hostility, so let's keep a low profile. Help yourself to tea and biscuits in the police commander's room as I don't think you'll be too busy - Lothian & Borders Police Chief to his officers.

Ah, Paulo. You're doing a brilliant job. I'm going to give you a five year contract and you can pick whoever you want for the team. I trust you - Vladimir Romanov.